I Need You to Understand...

That you shouldn't have been the one to be hurt.
It should have been me.

I'm going to post my most candid and vulnerable thoughts here for the sake of I'll regret if I don't say to you every last thing you deserve to hear.

You absolutely didn't deserve what happened on that park bench.
That was not anywhere near the sanctity that the two most important years ever to grace the mundane everydayness of The Bubble deserved, and I knew that the moment I walked away.

I didn't do what I did because you weren't good enough.
I said those words because I don't think I can be good enough for you.
I shut you out of my life when my parents started to remind me I was stupid. When they made it clear that they had no hopes for me. When a letter grade began to display who I was and where I was going.
I saw myself as what one might call a fuck-up. I ruin things. The pressure was put on me. Then that mindset crept into our relationship, and all I could think about was how the things I did always seemed to upset you--because I did upsetting things, like go straight for things I knew would ensure happiness as opposed to trying to explore conversation and new ideas and new spectrums of the relationship. It seemed that there was nothing else for me to do. It was the only thing I considered myself good at anymore. And that made your patience grow thin because you thought I was using you, and that scared me.

So I began to make myself scarce and talk with you less and eventually I faded completely. And I knew you were waiting but I couldn't bring myself to meet you because I was afraid of the expectations that I didn't think I could reach.

So I ended the relationship suddenly on a Monday afternoon in the park, after not seeing you for nearly a month. And I did it stoically and I apologized for my inconvenience and I left.
And that walk home was the hardest walk I've ever had to face.
And that feeling hasn't left me since.
Because I left you with the impression that you weren't good enough. And that's not the truth.

I'm not good enough for you. I can't be good enough for you. And I only saw myself hurting you, and so I left.
I never fell out of love with you.
And I still haven't.

I'm so sorry, and I just want you to know that. I hope you know how incredible you are, and that you're still loved, and that I know you're going to do amazing things.

I'm not gonna proofread this because I know you're waiting, and you might even be asleep by now.
I don't even know if you care anymore or if you're hurt or if you hate me or if you don't believe me or what. I just want you to know that this is how I feel and that you're significance is far beyond what I left you believing.
And that I won't text you again after this because I know you want space, but you can always call me.
And that I want to thank you for everything, Starshine. Because you don't know how much you saved me.

This'll be the last post on this blog. I don't have anything else I'll ever want to put out to the public.
I hope you're happy, Starshine. I mean that :3 I'm sorry that I couldn't be the girl you needed. I messed up a lot of things this year, but you were what I messed up the most.

Thank you for having stuck with me. I love you, and I know there are and will be many more who do as well.
Goodnight.
-Emmy