Something I Have To Say

Today somebody posted on facebook a picture that was taken more than one month ago... and it's a weird thing for me to see. Well, I'm sure it's weird for everybody who's been involved with the drama that has so rudely come between us. However, with everything that's happened recently, and the fact that it's affected me on such a tremendous and personal level, makes it all the more effective.

It's a group picture we took on the first day of summer. Back then, on that day, all of us were practically attached at the hip. 

No one fought. No one hated. No one was hurt.

We were a fucking family.

 

But things have dramatically changed. 

A few of the people in this picture have hurt me in ways from which I have not yet recovered. Emotional ways, caused by a flurry of mistrust and miscommunication on all accounts.

While another few people in this picture have been hurt by others whom they trusted and cared for. People started turning down different paths, and leaving others behind. It terrified and scattered us in odd ways. Certain people clung to others: I ran to the place I knew best and began to look only to the other women of our group, which shut the guys out completely. Couples fought. Some people broke up. Some got back together. Some started anew, and some clung to the old.

All I'm saying is: things fell apart. Our club, which used to prosper and trust and love, completely crumbled inwardly on itself, where we found it to have a rotten core. The ruins were left where they had fallen, and nobody made an attempt to repair what had been destroyed.

(Not even me.)

In fact, I was a major trigger in the downfall of our group. 

After BF and I broke up, a rift was driven in between 

the guys and the girls, and I didn't do a thing to stop it. 

I was hysterical for days, and it had been my decision that, 

if the relationship were going to burn, everything was going to burn with it.

And then we got back together, and salvaged a relationship that neither 

of us were ready to forgo. It's a dumb thing, I know, to rebuild a relationship 

after it fell apart the first time, but after all of the pain that had been 

inflicted upon me by myself and others, I just wanted to be with him...

...Because he made sense. And sense was exactly what I needed.

But the group had already been torn to shreds by that point.

Another couple, which seemed almost complimentary to BF 

and I, were fighting over the reason why we broke up, taking

the issue that drove us apart and making it their own. The two

of them still aren't talking. They're both stubborn in their beliefs, 

and unwilling to listen to what the other has to say. I can't help them,

but I feel awful for having been the one to have hurt them.

And everyone else is throwing in their opinions and

attention like no other. I can't exactly blame them for

being curious, as it's only human nature. They've been

a huge support to me all along the way. They were the

arms I fell into after the breakup, who literally picked 

me up and carried me away from the street corner on 

which I had collapsed that night not very long ago.

But they're much more cautious than I, at this point. 

Some are angry, and do not want anything to do with the guys. 

Others are simply uncomfortable with the obvious tension that nobody 

wants to acknowledge and wish to ignore the issue completely in hopes

that it will disappear. And some are feeling left out over an issue which they

had nothing to do with. In the end, we are all unhappy.

 

The funny thing about one's past is that it leaves a permanent imprint. Whether the memories are happy or sad is irrelevant, because it all happened, and there is nothing that can be done to change that. Nothing can touch the fact that once, a long time ago, we all shared a deep trust and connection that no one thought could be severed. Just as well, nothing can change the fact that we are all much more different than we wish to believe, and that we have had stronger disagreements than we would like to acknowledge. It's all just a chapter in the history of our drama club, and the reason as to why we are who we are, as a group and as individuals. To an extent, I blame myself for the reason as to why we fell apart. However, in a different direction, if it hadn't had been me to push the group in the direction that drove us apart, it would have been the next thing. It was simply something that brought out the little things in the club that have been bugging us for a while, but never seemed significant enough to complain about.

Ah. I'm not sure what I'm saying it this point. The hour is late, and the emotions are welling up. I cannot tell what we stand on the edge of- whether it be a war, or forgiveness, or simply more tense waiting. But I can only hope that our club, which was once so lively, survives this harsh wintry frost and will poke through the snow as soon as it can to, once more, blossom into what I remember to be the best group of friends I had ever had the privilege to meet.
It's all a matter of hope. And fortunately for us, I have a whole bunch of that. I've never been so determined to do anything as I now am to fix this mess which I have made. I just want everyone together again. I would give anything to have things return to the way they were in the photograph.
I'm gonna save us.

|emmy|