Some Stupid Indie Film (Part 1)

It's too loud in my head.

I realized that today when I collapsed to the floor in a hysterical fit of tears. It painful, even, to have all of these thoughts of shame and regret and meager hope swelling up in my mind and pushing into the sides of my skull with a pounding force.
I'm pressurized.

Very recently I was hurt by a boy that I had put all of my hopes into. It's mostly my fault, and I realize this now. I was begging to be broken when I fell for him. I just wanted--needed even--to be in love. And he offered his love so eagerly that it did not cross my mind that he could deprive me of it as soon as he had collected what he wished for and grew bored of my presence.
So poor planning on my part.
Nevertheless, I forgave him over the phone the night he told me that he didn't want to be involved with me anymore. I cried, and he apologized. And he promised me he would never do again what he did to me. He would no longer lead on girls that he couldn't date.
...No longer be involved with girls that weren't members of his exclusive elitist Filipino church.
...Girls like me, and every other girl he had ever lead on.

With this, I was satisfied.

But three weeks later a friend of mine, Anna, most definitely not a member of his church, comes to school and sits next to me in class, beaming.

"I talked to Kyle last night."

"...Oh, that's cool."

(What the fuck?)

"And we skyped all night."

".........Really?"

(That used to be me.)

(The way that he would call me every night to say goodnight...)

(...and we would talk until we couldn't keep awake...)

(...but neither of us would want to hang up...)

 ("The idea of falling asleep together is something you would only find in a stupid indie film," I say.)

("Well, then, I guess we're in a stupid indie film," he says.)

(...so we'd sleep listening to one another breathe.)

"No, that's not the best part."

"Oh?"

(and my stupid voice is shaking now)

(and the stupid tears are welling up behind my stupid eyes)

(don't you fucking dare say it)  

"We fell asleep on skype together!"

(Jesus Christ.)

(I'm going to cry.)

(I'm going to scream.)

(I'm going to pass out.)

(I'm going to vomit.)

(I'm going to die.)

(I've been replaced.)

I very calmly stand up.

I very calmly leave the room

I very calmly walk to the bathroom.

I very calmly lock myself in a stall.

    I very calmly sit down.

And I very calmly cry my little fucking heart out.

And that was when something changed within  me, and the confident and happy and silly and excitable girl I had so enjoyed playing the part of took her final bow... and we see the reappearance of an old character we thought had long disappeared. This was the last blow that Emmy could withstand. 

(Haha. Get it? The last blow!)

(Well, I'm sure Kyle would get it.) 

Emily Juliette turned back into just the plain Emilie she had so miserably led the life of in years past:
Eighth grade, when Kathleen had destroyed any love for myself I once harbored...
Freshman year, when I refused to open my mouth and speak, already sure that anything I might have to say would be the next stupidest thing ever to be said throughout the entirety of the universe...
It was not until the week before my sophomore year began that sad little Emilie changed into the happier, more beautiful, more confident version of herself. Sophomore year, when she fell in love for the first time.

And, oh, that boy...
That spectacular boy that she loved.

And I think back to that one night, perhaps in October or November of 2011, that she had been at his house, sitting on his bed with his head in her lap. And she stroked his hair and shut her eyes and was simply content. This was well before him and she had used the word "love" to describe their relationship... long before things had become serious at all. Back when they were just teaching themselves to be comfortable around one another. Stroking back his hair and enjoying the silence, the girl with my name bent down and kissed him on the side of the face, muttering to him, "Listen. I know you've been hurt in the past by a lot of people. I know it's probably hard for you to trust again. But I just want you to know that I'm not going to hurt you, David. I promise." 
The boy with his head in her lap did not open his eyes or alter his facial expression at these words. He simply unwound his arms from himself and wrapped them around her waist, whispering "Thank you."
I think I knew then that I loved the boy.

And I kept my promise. I did everything I could not to hurt him.

And ten months rolled by, where they find themselves in June, in the alley behind the house of another boy who I would later spend so many hours on the phone with... so many weeks thinking about...

But his involvement with what is about to happen in the alley behind his house will not be revealed for another 3 months after this night...

Because Emmy and David have just had a fight the day before concerning religion- and then a fight once more over the phone. David was busy and didn't want to talk about it. Emmy very much wanted to settle the matter. So Emmy is driven to Kyle's house and dropped off in back, and Emmy calls David and tells him to come out. After a few minutes, David does come out, looking incredibly displeased. He patiently explains that if Emmy does not have any interest in joining the exclusive Filipino church which David would soon be getting baptized into, then David would have no interest in continuing the relationship, because God would not forgive him for loving a damned soul like her own... 
Emmy certainly knew she couldn't switch into a religion that she had no personal belief in...
...so she looks up at the boy--the same boy that had sprawled himself in her lap and thanked her for promising not to hurt him--and there are tears running down her face and she almost can't believe any of this is real. But she asks him anyway...

"So it's over?" 

And he very casually shrugs and looks back towards the house.

 "Yeah. I guess it's over."

So Emmy begins to walk away. This isn't a conscientious choice--in fact I remember being quite amazed that I didn't have to tell my legs to take me out of there, they just knew what was best for me and got me away from the scene as best they could. David walks away, too, to return to the house and to the friend who would be so pleased with him and the church which he was so willing to sacrifice everything for...

And towards the end of the alley, where Kristina's car is parked but Kristina and Alexis are nowhere to be found, the reality of what had just taken place falls upon Emmy. She is alone... her friends had wandered off, expecting her to be much longer in talking to the boy. Her breathing is heavier as she dials Alexis and says in a broken way "get back here now" and instead of hanging up the phone, she simply lets it go and it drops into the grass. Emmy's body shortly follows after. 

Then Emmy opens her eyes again and she is being cradled by Alexis with Kristina collecting all of Emmy's things that have poured out onto the grass, and tears are pouring down Alexis's face and Emmy's face is wet with her own tears and Emmy just keeps on screaming and sobbing and saying "it's over!" and Alexis is hugging Emmy's convulsing body so tight and Emmy is trying not to get tears on Alexis's shirt but the tears are all over the place and even though the night is cool and still everything seems to be moving so fast...
And then everybody's there, suddenly, all of Emmy's other friends have pulled up and are pouring out of the car and everyone is swarming and asking what happened and looking at Emmy and no one is pleased at all and all Emmy does is continue to cry because David was gone and he wasn't coming back and he didn't love her anymore and he had decided that she wasn't good enough for him and he had hurt her.

Even after she promised that she would never hurt him.

And this is when the scars began to form.

With the help of her friends, Emmy is able to pull herself up and leave that street corner. The mood for the rest of the night--it had been about 9 PM at that point--is somber, and kind words are spoken and Emmy smiles a few times. Her heart had shattered, but her friends were holding the pieces together.

It took about four days for David to come back, ask for her forgiveness, ask for another chance, and for Emmy to agree. She convinced herself that they could rebuild the relationship and that everything would be perfect, just the way that they once had been. But, if anything, the two of them were more distant than they had been before. It didn't help at all that, during the week of Emmy's birthday, David went on vacation with his family. They texted, most definitely, but Emmy was so lonely even with his texts--lonely with the memory of how he had left her so little ago.

  

And in the wake of this loneliness, a floodgate was opened--a floodgate that no one, not even I, had ever noticed before, much less expected to open. 

But that's a story for another day. 

As for now, I'll sleep, feeling much more content now that my thoughts have made it to paper.

In Loving Memory

It's taken approximately one year for my life to completely flip over-- for me to take a look at the world which I had thought myself to be so well acquainted with...
...and see things I didn't think could ever possibly happen.

People make promises without thinking... and claim them invalid at the time when you really really need them. (sorry, I teared up a little just now)
(yes of course I'm talking about your promise, David. The one where you swore you wouldn't let anyone interfere with our relationship? That I was too important to let anybody stop you from loving me...)
(What happened to that?)

Other people do things that they know will hurt you in the end. People with honest faces and sweetened words and innocent kisses...
People who hurt you so bad that you can't even figure out what you're hurt about.
(a million billion things to be said, and yet the words well up and evaporate before seeing the light of day...) 
(...because the words don't even believe themselves to be true. The words can't understand how something with such a gentle touch can leave in its wake such a terrible burn.)
(Oh, forgive me. I'm just a girl who's been hurt. I don't think anyone can blame me for being upset.)
(and I don't care what you say, this is not all my fault)

And what of those people that I could go to for anything, once upon a time? Who would love me despite the mistakes that I've made? Why do they speak such ugly words about me when I walk away from them? Has it always been this way or have you changed?
...or have I changed?

Then, of course, comes to most awful factor of all.

What has come of Emmy? Where have I gone, and what have I left in my place? Because this creature that claims my name and dons my face--she is not me. She is a crueler, angrier, uglier, more awful version of the person she claims to be.
And Emmy?
Emmy's dead.
Emmy died upon the impact of a lover's words.
Emmy died waiting for "just a good friend" to come back for her.
Emmy died when her best friend pushed her away once she learned who she really was.
Emmy died when she could no longer figure out what she was living for.

Haven't you read the obituaries?

Emily Juliette is dead dead dead dead dead.

Dead but still walking and breathing a crying and feeling every second of every day as it grates past her, bringing forward the mess that is no longer fit to look upon the world and see the beauty it once embraced to tightly. Dead and corrupted.
Emily is nothing but damaged goods.

And aren't we all? Isn't every fucking human being on this planet living with the mistakes they've made and the scars of yesterday's pain and the fear that tomorrow may be worse?
...and am I the only one holding out a glimmer of hope that this is not death, but a slumber? That it was pain to encase myself in this cocoon, but I will open my eyes to the morning light and find things to be better? Life to be just beginning? Love to be abundant?

That's what I hold onto. That's the reason why I choose to cry instead of bleed and forgive instead of hate.
Emmy may be dead... but the time is a pregnant creature.
Not much longer now till a rebirth, and all of her mistakes, and everyone who has ever abused Emmy...
...ever abused me...
Not much longer until they are miles behind me and looking over my shoulder is not even a thought in my head.

|emmy|

Something I Have To Say

Today somebody posted on facebook a picture that was taken more than one month ago... and it's a weird thing for me to see. Well, I'm sure it's weird for everybody who's been involved with the drama that has so rudely come between us. However, with everything that's happened recently, and the fact that it's affected me on such a tremendous and personal level, makes it all the more effective.

It's a group picture we took on the first day of summer. Back then, on that day, all of us were practically attached at the hip. 

No one fought. No one hated. No one was hurt.

We were a fucking family.

 

But things have dramatically changed. 

A few of the people in this picture have hurt me in ways from which I have not yet recovered. Emotional ways, caused by a flurry of mistrust and miscommunication on all accounts.

While another few people in this picture have been hurt by others whom they trusted and cared for. People started turning down different paths, and leaving others behind. It terrified and scattered us in odd ways. Certain people clung to others: I ran to the place I knew best and began to look only to the other women of our group, which shut the guys out completely. Couples fought. Some people broke up. Some got back together. Some started anew, and some clung to the old.

All I'm saying is: things fell apart. Our club, which used to prosper and trust and love, completely crumbled inwardly on itself, where we found it to have a rotten core. The ruins were left where they had fallen, and nobody made an attempt to repair what had been destroyed.

(Not even me.)

In fact, I was a major trigger in the downfall of our group. 

After BF and I broke up, a rift was driven in between 

the guys and the girls, and I didn't do a thing to stop it. 

I was hysterical for days, and it had been my decision that, 

if the relationship were going to burn, everything was going to burn with it.

And then we got back together, and salvaged a relationship that neither 

of us were ready to forgo. It's a dumb thing, I know, to rebuild a relationship 

after it fell apart the first time, but after all of the pain that had been 

inflicted upon me by myself and others, I just wanted to be with him...

...Because he made sense. And sense was exactly what I needed.

But the group had already been torn to shreds by that point.

Another couple, which seemed almost complimentary to BF 

and I, were fighting over the reason why we broke up, taking

the issue that drove us apart and making it their own. The two

of them still aren't talking. They're both stubborn in their beliefs, 

and unwilling to listen to what the other has to say. I can't help them,

but I feel awful for having been the one to have hurt them.

And everyone else is throwing in their opinions and

attention like no other. I can't exactly blame them for

being curious, as it's only human nature. They've been

a huge support to me all along the way. They were the

arms I fell into after the breakup, who literally picked 

me up and carried me away from the street corner on 

which I had collapsed that night not very long ago.

But they're much more cautious than I, at this point. 

Some are angry, and do not want anything to do with the guys. 

Others are simply uncomfortable with the obvious tension that nobody 

wants to acknowledge and wish to ignore the issue completely in hopes

that it will disappear. And some are feeling left out over an issue which they

had nothing to do with. In the end, we are all unhappy.

 

The funny thing about one's past is that it leaves a permanent imprint. Whether the memories are happy or sad is irrelevant, because it all happened, and there is nothing that can be done to change that. Nothing can touch the fact that once, a long time ago, we all shared a deep trust and connection that no one thought could be severed. Just as well, nothing can change the fact that we are all much more different than we wish to believe, and that we have had stronger disagreements than we would like to acknowledge. It's all just a chapter in the history of our drama club, and the reason as to why we are who we are, as a group and as individuals. To an extent, I blame myself for the reason as to why we fell apart. However, in a different direction, if it hadn't had been me to push the group in the direction that drove us apart, it would have been the next thing. It was simply something that brought out the little things in the club that have been bugging us for a while, but never seemed significant enough to complain about.

Ah. I'm not sure what I'm saying it this point. The hour is late, and the emotions are welling up. I cannot tell what we stand on the edge of- whether it be a war, or forgiveness, or simply more tense waiting. But I can only hope that our club, which was once so lively, survives this harsh wintry frost and will poke through the snow as soon as it can to, once more, blossom into what I remember to be the best group of friends I had ever had the privilege to meet.
It's all a matter of hope. And fortunately for us, I have a whole bunch of that. I've never been so determined to do anything as I now am to fix this mess which I have made. I just want everyone together again. I would give anything to have things return to the way they were in the photograph.
I'm gonna save us.

|emmy|