I Need You to Understand...

That you shouldn't have been the one to be hurt.
It should have been me.

I'm going to post my most candid and vulnerable thoughts here for the sake of I'll regret if I don't say to you every last thing you deserve to hear.

You absolutely didn't deserve what happened on that park bench.
That was not anywhere near the sanctity that the two most important years ever to grace the mundane everydayness of The Bubble deserved, and I knew that the moment I walked away.

I didn't do what I did because you weren't good enough.
I said those words because I don't think I can be good enough for you.
I shut you out of my life when my parents started to remind me I was stupid. When they made it clear that they had no hopes for me. When a letter grade began to display who I was and where I was going.
I saw myself as what one might call a fuck-up. I ruin things. The pressure was put on me. Then that mindset crept into our relationship, and all I could think about was how the things I did always seemed to upset you--because I did upsetting things, like go straight for things I knew would ensure happiness as opposed to trying to explore conversation and new ideas and new spectrums of the relationship. It seemed that there was nothing else for me to do. It was the only thing I considered myself good at anymore. And that made your patience grow thin because you thought I was using you, and that scared me.

So I began to make myself scarce and talk with you less and eventually I faded completely. And I knew you were waiting but I couldn't bring myself to meet you because I was afraid of the expectations that I didn't think I could reach.

So I ended the relationship suddenly on a Monday afternoon in the park, after not seeing you for nearly a month. And I did it stoically and I apologized for my inconvenience and I left.
And that walk home was the hardest walk I've ever had to face.
And that feeling hasn't left me since.
Because I left you with the impression that you weren't good enough. And that's not the truth.

I'm not good enough for you. I can't be good enough for you. And I only saw myself hurting you, and so I left.
I never fell out of love with you.
And I still haven't.

I'm so sorry, and I just want you to know that. I hope you know how incredible you are, and that you're still loved, and that I know you're going to do amazing things.

I'm not gonna proofread this because I know you're waiting, and you might even be asleep by now.
I don't even know if you care anymore or if you're hurt or if you hate me or if you don't believe me or what. I just want you to know that this is how I feel and that you're significance is far beyond what I left you believing.
And that I won't text you again after this because I know you want space, but you can always call me.
And that I want to thank you for everything, Starshine. Because you don't know how much you saved me.

This'll be the last post on this blog. I don't have anything else I'll ever want to put out to the public.
I hope you're happy, Starshine. I mean that :3 I'm sorry that I couldn't be the girl you needed. I messed up a lot of things this year, but you were what I messed up the most.

Thank you for having stuck with me. I love you, and I know there are and will be many more who do as well.
Goodnight.
-Emmy

Some Stupid Indie Film (Part 2)

In simplest terms, it began on a trampoline.

Me, Kristina, Danielle, Kyle, and Mitch were lying on Kristina's trampoline in her backyard looking at the stars one clear Friday evening. I had made my way from the very tail of the cluster up to the top so that I could see onto somebody's phone, found it comfortable, and decided to stay there with my body arched around everybody's head. I remember that that was when I first noticed something at least questionable, in that Kyle was making a point to rest his head exactly on my tits. This was nothing that really stood out as unacceptable, as we were an extremely intimate bunch and friends at the time, but I remember thinking it weird that, when I called him out for it, he did not laugh at having been caught and back off. He simply acted as though I had accused him of something heinous and defended himself with "It's comfortable!"

I laughed it off and said nothing more about it--everyone in the group with extremely feely, so the act in itself was nothing out of the ordinary.

Either way, I don't recall much of the rest of the night. Danielle got a call and had to rush out at one point, leaving just the four of us behind to generate our own fun. I have no memory of anything Kristina and Mitch were doing throughout the night--in their own conversation and being cuddly, as is the nature of our group. Kyle and I, on the other hand, were just being stupid and flirting--not seriously. I never flirted seriously with anybody. Just I suppose it's in my friendly nature to act in a super-friendly way, around girls and guys both. The misinterpretation is that I seriously want to bone whoever I'm conversing with when, in reality, that's just my fallback style on how to make nice with other humans. 

That night, anyway, I get a ride home with the two brothers. For some reason or another, me and Kyle decide that Kyle should call me that night... I think so that we could poop together or something. Whatever the reason; he ended up calling me about midnight and we talked, casually at first, but with escalating edginess. Pretty soon he begins to talk to me about his relationship worries.

Oh, right, that's another thing I should throw in here. Kyle is the boyfriend of 11 months to one of my best friends. Just as well, my boyfriend, also of 11 months, is David- Kyle's best friend. In retrospect, everything that took place that night really was a disaster in the making.

Kyle and I spend 5 hours on the phone that night, spilling out our hearts about all of our relationship worries and hopes and griefs. Commiseration, I suppose you could call it. The problems that Kyle was facing were pretty close to how I felt, especially concerning sex and all that. We both pitifully told one another how we wished we could get more for what we were putting in. And that was another defining moment of the evening that really gave me the idea that something might be up, when we described the lack of recompense we both felt we were victim of. Jokingly, I laughed when he told me this about his situation from his own perspective, and said to him "Maybe she deserves some David in bed..."

There was a laugh on the other end of the phone, and very sheepishly this boy replied: "Maybe Emily deserves some Kyle in bed."

I don't really know what was going through my mind when he said that, but it was more than likely some kind of a slow-spreading shock, as my mind stumbled over itself trying to comprehend what he had just suggested. Immediately following those words, him and I shared the longest 20 seconds of silence ever to be endured. I felt weird and uncomfortable on the topic. I was dating David, and I loved David more than anything, not to mention I had known Aga for even longer. Speaking this way with Kyle was certainly strange, knowing that he and my boyfriend had been best friends for nearly seven years, but somewhere in my mind I figured that Kyle must know best about this, and that Kyle certainly had to know where the line was drawn. After that, the call remained less intimate. There may have been one other moment like that, but I forgot what that was. We hung up after what seemed like a fruitful eternity, and I did not sleep that night until 5 AM. 

Christ. 

I guess I almost forgot everything about that night before I wrote it down.

 
I’ll admit. I wasn’t being an awesome girlfriend by having that conversation; talking intimately with another guy, despite the fact that I considered him a close friend. Did David ever talk that intimately with other women? Yes, he did—and that used to upset me to no end, the one time I approached him because I invaded his privacy and looked at a facebook conversation he held with one of his close woman friends. Maybe, somewhere in my mind, opening my sexual stories to someone else was a form of getting back at him for that? I can’t say now. I don’t know what was going through my stupid little mind at the time. Just that I loved the feeling of connection that was forming—the mutual understanding and grievances that this kid and I were presenting to one another. Friendly. Innocent, I went so far as to call it. But even then, I could sense the definite change between him and I.

Nevertheless. The next day--July 28th, as I recall--was the day that David came home unannounced, showing up at Kristina’s house when we were all sitting in her front yard. I remember kissing him. I remember telling him that I missed him… but I don’t remember being as excited as I should have been. I still loved him, endlessly, but the only thing on my mind was how that was the boy who had hurt me so bad the first time; this was the relationship that evidently would have to end again sometime. And thinking about it all just exhausted me.

I was tired.

David left Kristina’s not long after that, saying he had to go surprise Kyle next… so I went back in to Kristina’s and drearily watched the opening parade to the Olympics. My friends there with me knew what was going on—they certainly weren’t excited to see David again, all of them still very distrusting of him after they’d all seen me fall apart the night of our first break up. We had a halfhearted discussion on where we thought my and David’s relationship was headed…and all of us were cynical.

Perhaps an hour later, we were all still spread out on the couch and staring at the parading countries when—who better to enter the scene than Kyle and Mitch? If memory serves, they were both formally dressed, having just come back from church. I thought it weird that they be here with us while David eagerly wait for them at their house, but I said very little about that.
 Mitch sat down at one end of the couch with Alexis curled up next to him; Alexis liked to cuddle and Mitch liked to hug, so they always found use for one another when we all hung out. Kyle sat down beside me and became my own cuddlebuddy. We made a few joking references to things we had said on the phone the night before and snickered like it was a secret. He had an arm around me and I was leaning into him and I don’t know why I didn’t feel like it was wrong.

(Maybe because him and I had a safety net...)

(…Because we were both dating other people.)

It seemed as though him and I were merely playing pretend. Just having fun.

We weren’t serious.

Not very much happened that night. Mitch and Kyle left. I was texting David and Kyle both for a short while, but suddenly neither of them would respond—I assumed this was when Kyle walked into his house and was surprised to find David home early from vacation. Feeling completely left behind by the both of them, I went home feeling very sad.

I do believe I even went so far as to post sad song lyrics on facebook.

What happens after that is a vague timeline in my mind. I get a call from Mitch one day not long after that asking if I’d like to play Pathfinders (which is a less extreme version of Dungeons and Dragons) with the group of them. Alexis urges me not to go—she knew a dangerous situation when she saw it, even way back then. Unheeding of her advice as ever, I accepted and spent the evening with David, Kyle, and Mitch, rolling dice and being an idiot. I felt incredibly cute not knowing what I was doing.

Usually I sat beside David, where I would frequently throw my arms around him and kiss the side of his face without warning or provocation. Sometimes I’d sit next to Kyle and call him stupid and jab my elbow into him and just treat him like the awesome friend he was to me. Mitch was usually watching from the other side—and, though I didn’t know it at the time, he could see everything unfolding in the tragic manner that it was, and more than likely knew everything that it was leading to.

Somewhere very early on in this time—we had probably only played Pathfinders four or five times—Kyle and Aga broke up. I was with Aga the night before she ended it with him; she was incredibly upset with Kyle. One of our friends admitted that, since Aga and Kyle had been fighting, Kyle had been coming on to her—flirtatiously texting her, wishing her goodnight, cuddling with her when the opportunity arose. She didn’t like it at all. And this friend turned to me and said “Hasn’t it been happening to you, too? Like, what was going on at Kristina’s house?”

Hesitantly I said yes, Kyle had become more friendly as of late, but that I didn’t think much of it. Aga was infuriated. He’s such a jerk. He always does this. You guys are my friends for fuck's sake was the jest of it

Victor, the voice of reason, adjusts his glasses and says in his very knowledgeable voice that if she’s unhappy, then why is she still dating him? And her response is a shake of the head and a kind of laugh, putting her head on the Burger King table and saying “I want to break up with him, but I’m such a pussy." 

A long, long talk ensues that evening in which the four of us dissect what happened between me and David, and how that could be something Kyle does to Aga, and how unfaithful he was being by flirting with everybody, and how badly Aga wanted to break up with him. Aga resolved that she would talk to Kyle about it.

Later that night, she texts me, once more angry with him, and forwards me some of his responses to her complaints about his coming onto other women. His defense was summed up into: “I was flirting with other women, but you never told me you didn’t want me to.”

I told Aga that he was being ridiculous. It made me furious that he was attempting to defend himself by saying it was her fault for not making it clear that she wanted him to be faithful. Complete bullshit—and Aga had been putting up with it for so long because she didn’t want to break his heart. I was livid beyond all reconciliation--if there's anything in the world that upsets me, its mistreatment of a woman in a relationship. Especially in terms of infidelity.
It gets to the point where she even tells me to calm down, and that she was going to handle it. It was in this anger that I made a move that would begin a domino effect, and later becomes reason for me getting tangled up in a web of my own lies. I called upon something that David had told me in confidence, and that I had witnessed for myself when in Kyle’s company... 

Something that would confirm Aga’s decision to break up with Kyle.

“Wait, Aggie, I think I need to tell you something.”

“Hm?”

“Something David told me. That he and Kyle were at a Potbelly’s and the sandwich girl was flirting with them. She was making them food, and asked them if either of them were available. David said no, he was taken, but Kyle just smiled and said nothing as though to imply that he were single.”

(To this text, Aga does not reply, leaving time for me to compose a follow-up message)

“I may not have been there for it, but from what I have seen when I’m there, I can believe it. The girl like calls out for his and David’s attention, and while David was politely shrugging it off, Kyle was laughing and turning up the charm as though he were a god and she’s just some adoring follower.”

(and now Aga's upset)

(and now the texts are pouring in)

Ding

"What the actual fuck?"

Ding

"Who the fuck does he think he is?"

Ding

 "That fucking piece of shit."

Ding

"Kay, that settles it." 

Ding

"Emily, where is Aga?" 

Ding

"I'm done with his shit." 

(and I pause upon receiving this text from Kyle)

(and I'm so angry at him for treating Aga like this)

(but sympathy comes creeping in with the show of his concern)

(and I begin to feel a tad bit bad for having revealed Kyle to Aga)

(so I very innocently feign ignorance of the situation, responding:)

"Idk, not with me."

  (and receiving no response I meekly attempt to get him to tell me what I already know)

 "Kyle, what's going on?" 

I received no more texts that evening. Thinking myself having already gotten too involved, I hooked my phone into its charger and went to bed, the trouble taking place between my two friends buzzing around in the mind that had no business getting itself involved... yet seemed to have a bad habit of tangling itself up in every risky situation to come along.

I'm not a double crosser, I'm just on everybody's side.

The next day is a Monday; one of the two days every week that I was employed. As usual, I was attempting to fit everything I could into the time between when I woke up and when I had to go babysit at 3:30. I met David in the park and explained to him a varied version of everything that had happened the night before--squeamishly, I left out the parts where I had offered my support for Aga's strive to shake off Kyle. I very casually mentioned that Aga was upset with Kyle for flirting with some of her friends, expecting David to rise to his best friend's defense. To my surprise, he only gave a pensive nod and said "I guess I can understand where she's coming from. He can be pretty flirty with some of the girls."

...I guess, at the time, he didn't know that I wasn't exempt from the girls.

...And shit. It's going to take a long while for him to find out.

As David and I go about talking for the first time in a few days, I receive a text from Aga asking if I could meet her by Victor's. I felt a little bad for leaving David behind, but he said he understood. With that token, I was in front of Victor's house within ten minutes, having only about an hour and a half left until I would have to be inside of that same house in order to babysit for his Mrs. Victor's Mom.

From there, Alexis and Aga and I began walking back towards Aga's house, striking up the inevitable conversation as to what Aga would do about Kyle. I, once more, go through the sandwich girl story for Alexis's benefit, provoking a chuckled response of "What a fucker." Aside from this, Alexis had absolutely no input in what would take place that day. 

Back at Aga's, the topic of conversation strays, and we spend a good while looking up mindless things on the Internet, paying no mind to the issue at hand until Aga receives a text from her boyfriend. She reads the text, sighs, and tells us it's him. I am so stressed out for both Aga and Kyle that, when I have to leave for babysitting in the midst of Aga deciding how to reply, my mind is spinning in circles. I keep on texting Alexis for updates on what is happening, but she simply tells me that Kyle would be coming to Aga's house at 5.
Nervously, I sit and help the baby build lego towers, not knowing what to do with myself as time drags by.
5 o'clock comes along and I don't hear anything from anyone. I hold my breath as though not to disturb the shit going down on the other side of town.
I hope Aga doesn't say anything about the sandwich girl. For some reason, the thought that I might be connected with the breakup makes me incredibly nervous. As upset as I was with Kyle, and as much as I wanted to completely support Aga and have her back under all circumstances for the sake of sisterhood amongst the group... I didn't want Kyle to be upset with me. The thought that I might lose him as a friend was so scary to me that I refused to allow myself to think that Aga would tip Kyle off to what I had done.

With no one around but the baby to hear, I may have even said a prayer.

Around 5:30 or so, I was finally contacted by the outside world: David, who I had asked to alert me if he heard anything. I probably jumped a foot in the air when the text tone went off.

"Inb4 something happened with Kyle."

"How do you know?"

"He just called me crying and asking where I was."

"Are you with him now?"

"No, he's driving over to find me. Emily... he's completely destroyed."

(and suddenly a feeling of guilt has taken its hold on me)

(and the thumping in my chest is growing very loud)

(and the reality of the situation is becoming very clear)

(and it hits me all at once...) 

(...this all happened...)

(...because of something I said)

(and the shame is so overbearing that I cannot even begin to think the awful thought)

(I told Aga something that pushed her to break Kyle's heart)

"...Take care of him, David."

At this point, time has stopped dragging.

In one frenzied blur, the clock has struck 6:30 and I'm rushing out of the house without even buckling my sandals. And I go to drop things off at my house just after sending a text to Aga saying "Dude, I'm coming over," to which her only reply is requesting that I bring Finding Nemo.

And within twenty minutes I appear at Aga's house, expecting to find her completely devastated with grief and in need of support... Only to be surprised to see that she is absolutely unfazed. In an unsettling silence, we start the movie, neither of us saying anything about the break up. Alexis shows up a little while later, and Danielle soon after that. While Aga has slipped away to make herself food, me and Alexis quietly ask one another about the the situation, both completely surprised when Danielle asks what we're talking about.

When Aga comes back, we launch into the discussion.

"So how did things go?" asks Alexis casually.

Aga is placidly biting her nail, face as unreadable as ever. "It went fine."

"Did he cry?"

Aga nods.

"Like, just a few tears? Or sobbing?"

"Sobbing."

I shift uncomfortably in my spot on the couch. "Shit."

"It was actually pretty heartbreaking to see."

"Did you get to explain why you were ending it?"

"Yeah."

"Did you mention the sandwich girl?"

Aga nods once more.

I think I may have died at that point.

The topic of conversation went off in some other direction at that point, leaving me absolutely twisted up in worry that Kyle might, at that moment, be upset with me--be thinking that I told Aga something in order to purposefully break them up....

Despite the fact that this assumption is true.

As casually as I can, I bite down my panic and compose a text to Kyle, insisting to myself that him seeing my connection to the break up was impossible, and that I just had to show my concern to ensure this.

"I heard about what happened, and I hope you're okay. I know you're probably upset and don't want to talk about it, but if you need anyone, I'm here for you. I mean it." 

About twenty minutes later, he replied. 

"Thanks."

Deciding that this was a good sign, and that the kid simply needed some space, I let him be for the evening. My friends and I all stiffly watched the gymnasts doing flips in the Olympics until about midnight, at which point I walk home with a sort of apprehensiveness clouding over my thoughts. I call David in the darkness of my room, asking how things went, but he did not have much knowledge of what happened. He just said that Kyle found him biking, jumped out of the car and collapsed into his arms, sobbing. He did not say a thing about the break up, just that the relationship had ended.

"I guess he's not in the mood for Pathfinders tomorrow?" I ask.

 To which David replies, "He is actually. Just not at his house."

I sigh, considering this another good sign. "Alright," I say. "Great." And I suddenly feel as though everything is going to be alright. "My house?"

David seems happy with this offer. "Sure. I'll let them know."

Lying in bed by myself that night, I couldn't sleep. I kept telling myself that Kyle's broken heart was not my fault, and I had simply told Aga the truth--and that there was no way Kyle would put those two pieces of information together. Everything was going to be fine. They had to be. 

Suddenly, my ipod switches songs, and a tune by Emilie Autumn comes on entitled "Ever." It was a song about unreciprocated love--

You were ever in my mind. 

You were behind my soul each time I held it to the flame. 

You were ever in my precious thoughts;

I'd leave a room of angels just to be alone if only to say your name. 

I never told you I needed you, darling, like a rose needs the rain. 

How could you possibly know how much? 

Now I reach for your love, like the moon and the stars:

 Ever in my sight, ever out of touch.

And as I imagine broken little Kyle crying over Aga, shame and sadness has taken such a hold over me that I roll over into my pillow and start crying, revisiting the night of my own break up through which I lived not too long ago. Kyle loved Aga so much I kept telling myself. If not for me they'd still be together. And the sobs become heavier and heavier as the guilt begins to grow. All he did was love her, and look what he got for it.

And that was what did it for me.

I completely lose myself at this point, flooded by the pain of a memory that I suddenly found to not have healed quite as much as I had thought. 

Was I not familiar with a broken heart? Did I not completely sympathize with anyone who found themselves to have been abandoned by a loved one--no matter the reason?

And here I find myself guilty of having sentenced such emotional trauma to another person.

With no way to change what I had done, I was forced to sit and be smothered by my own regret.

At some point that night I must have fallen asleep.

I don't feel quite so brokenhearted upon waking up, but I can't seem to sit still, knowing that everything in terms of my friendship with Kyle would be defined within a matter of hours. In an attempt to clear my head, I get on my bike and pedal around town, finding myself drawn to the high school down the street from me, where I knew I would find a person who could help me keep my thoughts in order.

See, all throughout the process of such a tragedy crashing around me, there were only two people that I was able to come clean about everything to: my older brother--who, at the time, was out of state and out of cell phone rang in the middle of the woods-- and my school nurse Mrs. D. When it came to horrible things that lay in the path ahead of me, Mrs. D was able to call them all out. So it's around 11:15 when I barrel into her office and find her doing important nurse things like typing on a computer and filling out paperwork.

I guess she could tell that something was bugging me without even looking up. She motioned towards a chair by her desk and told me to sit, starting out the conversation with the usual "What's up, chuck?"

Timidly, I launch into a brief explanation of the worries on my mind, beginning with the breakup. She's not new to the situation-- I had seen her at some point between now and that first night on the trampoline, and had explained everything to her about that phone call that left such a weird impression of Kyle in my mind. Even then, she was telling me to stay away from the kid.
Now she only gives a polite little "Hm..." when I explain how Kyle and Aga's breakup has effected me.
For months now, Mrs. D had been the only person I'd ever known who outwardly disliked Kyle. "He's a snake in the grass," she had told me many times before, that day not being an exception. "He puts up this front as though he's such a little sweetheart and kisses up to everyone in order to get on their good side--I see it all the time. I don't put up with people like that. You girls, however, all go crazy for it."

Hearing this said about Kyle makes me incredibly uncomfortable for some reason or another. "I know he's done bad things to girls in the past--leading on Catherine and Marilyn the way that he did-- but I don't know. When I'm around him I could never see him doing that to anyone on purpose. He's just... a sweetheart."

Mrs. D shakes her head into her office work and says, "Emily, you know what I've said about him. But I can tell that you have yourself a thing for this boy, don't you? That's probably why this breakup is worrying you so much."

I purse my lips, embarrassed to be faced with such an assumption. "I love David, Mrs. D."

"Do you?"

And for some reason, I don't answer that one. "Either way, I guess I'll figure out where I stand today. I'm hanging out with the guys."

She snorts. "I'm sure that'll go well."

With my refusal of her advice, she has stopped receiving me with a great amount of understanding and has taken her step back, allowing me to do as I will. This frustrates me after a few moments, considering it my own failure that I could not convince Mrs. D that Kyle was a nice guy. Suddenly pulled taut with nervousness towards the subject, and wanting to feel no more of Mrs. D's disapproval, I say goodbye and head back out towards my bike, thoughts of Kyle and Aga still weighing me down endlessly.
With time still on my hands, I make my way over to a nearby Target to use a giftcard and I'd gotten for my birthday, intending to drown out my troubles with new clothes. However, I end up stumbling upon a cardboard crate filled with knee socks all marked down to 75 cents. I get about 4 pairs and take overjoyed note of the crate's location, thinking it something I can mention to the guys during Pathfinders.

Something so stupid as socks that would later become so incredibly important to me...

Anyway, this Pathfinders game, and everything that follows after, is when things really begin to grow incredibly tense and heated, with Kyle single and me shaky in how I'm feeling towards the people in my life...

As for now, I'm incredibly exhausted after having conjured up this much of the story, and there's still 3 months worth of rising action that follows. It's far too much for a single blogpost to handle. So with this up for the moment, I'll retire, and return as soon as I can drive myself to once more put myself through this summer without too much pain. It's getting easier all the time...

Adieu.

|emmy|

Some Stupid Indie Film (Part 1)

It's too loud in my head.

I realized that today when I collapsed to the floor in a hysterical fit of tears. It painful, even, to have all of these thoughts of shame and regret and meager hope swelling up in my mind and pushing into the sides of my skull with a pounding force.
I'm pressurized.

Very recently I was hurt by a boy that I had put all of my hopes into. It's mostly my fault, and I realize this now. I was begging to be broken when I fell for him. I just wanted--needed even--to be in love. And he offered his love so eagerly that it did not cross my mind that he could deprive me of it as soon as he had collected what he wished for and grew bored of my presence.
So poor planning on my part.
Nevertheless, I forgave him over the phone the night he told me that he didn't want to be involved with me anymore. I cried, and he apologized. And he promised me he would never do again what he did to me. He would no longer lead on girls that he couldn't date.
...No longer be involved with girls that weren't members of his exclusive elitist Filipino church.
...Girls like me, and every other girl he had ever lead on.

With this, I was satisfied.

But three weeks later a friend of mine, Anna, most definitely not a member of his church, comes to school and sits next to me in class, beaming.

"I talked to Kyle last night."

"...Oh, that's cool."

(What the fuck?)

"And we skyped all night."

".........Really?"

(That used to be me.)

(The way that he would call me every night to say goodnight...)

(...and we would talk until we couldn't keep awake...)

(...but neither of us would want to hang up...)

 ("The idea of falling asleep together is something you would only find in a stupid indie film," I say.)

("Well, then, I guess we're in a stupid indie film," he says.)

(...so we'd sleep listening to one another breathe.)

"No, that's not the best part."

"Oh?"

(and my stupid voice is shaking now)

(and the stupid tears are welling up behind my stupid eyes)

(don't you fucking dare say it)  

"We fell asleep on skype together!"

(Jesus Christ.)

(I'm going to cry.)

(I'm going to scream.)

(I'm going to pass out.)

(I'm going to vomit.)

(I'm going to die.)

(I've been replaced.)

I very calmly stand up.

I very calmly leave the room

I very calmly walk to the bathroom.

I very calmly lock myself in a stall.

    I very calmly sit down.

And I very calmly cry my little fucking heart out.

And that was when something changed within  me, and the confident and happy and silly and excitable girl I had so enjoyed playing the part of took her final bow... and we see the reappearance of an old character we thought had long disappeared. This was the last blow that Emmy could withstand. 

(Haha. Get it? The last blow!)

(Well, I'm sure Kyle would get it.) 

Emily Juliette turned back into just the plain Emilie she had so miserably led the life of in years past:
Eighth grade, when Kathleen had destroyed any love for myself I once harbored...
Freshman year, when I refused to open my mouth and speak, already sure that anything I might have to say would be the next stupidest thing ever to be said throughout the entirety of the universe...
It was not until the week before my sophomore year began that sad little Emilie changed into the happier, more beautiful, more confident version of herself. Sophomore year, when she fell in love for the first time.

And, oh, that boy...
That spectacular boy that she loved.

And I think back to that one night, perhaps in October or November of 2011, that she had been at his house, sitting on his bed with his head in her lap. And she stroked his hair and shut her eyes and was simply content. This was well before him and she had used the word "love" to describe their relationship... long before things had become serious at all. Back when they were just teaching themselves to be comfortable around one another. Stroking back his hair and enjoying the silence, the girl with my name bent down and kissed him on the side of the face, muttering to him, "Listen. I know you've been hurt in the past by a lot of people. I know it's probably hard for you to trust again. But I just want you to know that I'm not going to hurt you, David. I promise." 
The boy with his head in her lap did not open his eyes or alter his facial expression at these words. He simply unwound his arms from himself and wrapped them around her waist, whispering "Thank you."
I think I knew then that I loved the boy.

And I kept my promise. I did everything I could not to hurt him.

And ten months rolled by, where they find themselves in June, in the alley behind the house of another boy who I would later spend so many hours on the phone with... so many weeks thinking about...

But his involvement with what is about to happen in the alley behind his house will not be revealed for another 3 months after this night...

Because Emmy and David have just had a fight the day before concerning religion- and then a fight once more over the phone. David was busy and didn't want to talk about it. Emmy very much wanted to settle the matter. So Emmy is driven to Kyle's house and dropped off in back, and Emmy calls David and tells him to come out. After a few minutes, David does come out, looking incredibly displeased. He patiently explains that if Emmy does not have any interest in joining the exclusive Filipino church which David would soon be getting baptized into, then David would have no interest in continuing the relationship, because God would not forgive him for loving a damned soul like her own... 
Emmy certainly knew she couldn't switch into a religion that she had no personal belief in...
...so she looks up at the boy--the same boy that had sprawled himself in her lap and thanked her for promising not to hurt him--and there are tears running down her face and she almost can't believe any of this is real. But she asks him anyway...

"So it's over?" 

And he very casually shrugs and looks back towards the house.

 "Yeah. I guess it's over."

So Emmy begins to walk away. This isn't a conscientious choice--in fact I remember being quite amazed that I didn't have to tell my legs to take me out of there, they just knew what was best for me and got me away from the scene as best they could. David walks away, too, to return to the house and to the friend who would be so pleased with him and the church which he was so willing to sacrifice everything for...

And towards the end of the alley, where Kristina's car is parked but Kristina and Alexis are nowhere to be found, the reality of what had just taken place falls upon Emmy. She is alone... her friends had wandered off, expecting her to be much longer in talking to the boy. Her breathing is heavier as she dials Alexis and says in a broken way "get back here now" and instead of hanging up the phone, she simply lets it go and it drops into the grass. Emmy's body shortly follows after. 

Then Emmy opens her eyes again and she is being cradled by Alexis with Kristina collecting all of Emmy's things that have poured out onto the grass, and tears are pouring down Alexis's face and Emmy's face is wet with her own tears and Emmy just keeps on screaming and sobbing and saying "it's over!" and Alexis is hugging Emmy's convulsing body so tight and Emmy is trying not to get tears on Alexis's shirt but the tears are all over the place and even though the night is cool and still everything seems to be moving so fast...
And then everybody's there, suddenly, all of Emmy's other friends have pulled up and are pouring out of the car and everyone is swarming and asking what happened and looking at Emmy and no one is pleased at all and all Emmy does is continue to cry because David was gone and he wasn't coming back and he didn't love her anymore and he had decided that she wasn't good enough for him and he had hurt her.

Even after she promised that she would never hurt him.

And this is when the scars began to form.

With the help of her friends, Emmy is able to pull herself up and leave that street corner. The mood for the rest of the night--it had been about 9 PM at that point--is somber, and kind words are spoken and Emmy smiles a few times. Her heart had shattered, but her friends were holding the pieces together.

It took about four days for David to come back, ask for her forgiveness, ask for another chance, and for Emmy to agree. She convinced herself that they could rebuild the relationship and that everything would be perfect, just the way that they once had been. But, if anything, the two of them were more distant than they had been before. It didn't help at all that, during the week of Emmy's birthday, David went on vacation with his family. They texted, most definitely, but Emmy was so lonely even with his texts--lonely with the memory of how he had left her so little ago.

  

And in the wake of this loneliness, a floodgate was opened--a floodgate that no one, not even I, had ever noticed before, much less expected to open. 

But that's a story for another day. 

As for now, I'll sleep, feeling much more content now that my thoughts have made it to paper.