Well, I can't claim to have grown up very much in the time between then and now- in fact, as of recent, I have realized just how immature I really am in the grand scheme of things. Sure, in an argument I can keep a cool head and all, but the way I'll go around talking ill about people who are my friends, and making a big deal out of the traits that are simply a symptom of them being human... It's that kind of behavior that makes me just as despicable as the other girls that I post about who drive me to damn near the point of explosion.
But excuse me, I digress. I'm just attempting to make a point about something or another. I guess that I've lately been realizing that no matter how badly you may think someone to be, they are almost always being driven through their lives by intentions which they believe to be good. There is no person alive that does not have some bit of this or that to them which would cause you to sympathize. Though good old Kat from below may be manipulative and in constant search of attention and a just plain bitch, I'm sure there's some component in her that will make me step back and look at her as though she weren't some demon conjured up to antagonize my life...
And what of Eloisa? Previously, I had expected her to do nothing but sit around and suck cock. She has the reputation of being a drunken whore who'll do anything for the approval of others- be it the group of stoners she loves to hang around... the "best friend", Ev, whom Eloisa absolutely idolizes and would gladly give up any aspect of her own personality just to become Ev's left ankle... or the strange boys whom I've heard constant tales of receiving Eloisa's "favors" which she is glad to offer... In any case, I'd bet half my dowry that Eloisa suffers from some sort of inferiority complex, if not this nifty little term I recently learned was "Histrionic Personality Disorder"- something which a majority of the symptoms are proudly worn out on the front of the shirt of more than a couple of girls I know, including Eloisa.
What I'm trying to get at is that, in every way, I have constantly felt pity and frustration towards Eloisa, as I can see exactly in which direction she's headed, and I half believe she does as well... and I know that we both know this direction is not one that any right minded human should wish to take. I've offered my help- she's denied it. I've insisted she accept my friendship- she has rid herself of it the moment I bestow it upon her. I shouldn't care so much, and I know this.
Just let her be. Just let her learn for herself.
But I can't. I fucking can't do it. And this is all because of the fact that I knew her once upon a time- that she and I maybe weren't best friends, but we mutually found one another to be of amusement and good company. I knew the real Ale--I mean, Eloisa, right before she metamorphosed into an ugly, unhappy creature that is only the faintest ring-a-ling of the person she once was a way long time ago.
What brought all of these thoughts upon me? As I began with, I have a study hall with her one day out of the week. Usually, her and I never interact aside from a casual nod towards one another. Today wasn't any different, I guess. Sit down near each other because we share friends, and she has this bundle of papers in her hand. A whole bunch of them. And I'm sitting there looking at it, trying to read what's written on it out of sheer curiosity... and when one person asks her what it is, she replies in a very embarrassed, defensive sort of way: "It's my book. You can't read it."
So Eloisa's writing a book.
And there was something about that which made me very, very sad. See, I'm writing a book too, and I love doing it. The main character of my book is so obviously a representation of myself when in modern society that I bet even someone who'd never met me could figure out that the entire story were things that had happened to me in my life-- the process of how the happy led to the sad, which in turn led to a happy which was only happy because it was not sad... and so on and so forth. I consider anyone who will put forth enough effort and care into writing a book to be one of the better types of human beings out there.
But this is Eloisa: the epitome of the type of women I despise. The thought of her being so cool as to write a book is unfathomable to me. And it was that unfathomable-ness which fell upon me and, in that moment, very quickly turned into some weird kind of sadness that I did not understand, and has been heavily sitting in the back of my mind all afternoon.
It made me remember that the old Eloisa was awesome.
And, honestly, it's not that I'm sad about losing her.
...I'm sad about the fact that she lost herself.
So now what? I come onto my blog with a plan to write a silly thing about "101 reasons why i love you happy birthday david"... and I end up spilling out a blog post that I didn't even know was inside of me.
So here's a shout out the human nature, which I fear I will never fully understand. If it is your goal to be a riddle, my creature of cruel fickleness, I assure you, you've all of the qualifications. Congratulations.
|emmy|
