A Thing That Happened Once, but Has Already Been Fixed

April 20, 2011, at 6:32 pm, I wrote something that I believed to be living proof that I was the saddest girl in the world. Though the island of Internet to which I posted my sorrows never did acknowledge it, I still go back sometimes and remember the oppressive hopelessness and despair with which I'd been struck that silently horrific night. The post went a tiddly bit like this:

I'm a high school girl.
I'm reasonably pretty.
I've been kissed.
One of these statements is not true.
Something else that is not true would be if I were to say I've been in a relationship.
Because I haven't.
For the most part, I'm okay with this.
Except for today.
-Ten minutes ago, to be exact.

I had nowhere to go after school, no money, and I pass my friend in the hallway, who says she's going over to the house of a guy that's our friend. I ask if I could join, and they said great. So we walked along. Only thing was that I knew my friend liked this guy- we've talked about it- and I was the one who'd started them as friends.
We spend a couple of hours in his apartment- most of the time was him very patiently explaining to her how to play Super Smash Bros. Play on the computer, all good and fun. A note to add here is that I've had a sneaking suspicion that this guy, call him Blondie, also has feelings for my friend- call her Eloisa.
I have to leave- they say they'll walk home with me. Thanks, guys. We walk, talk, get to my house so I can get my guitar for a coffeehouse showcase that I'd entered. Fork in the road- I'm going one way, Eloisa lives another. Blondie says he couldn't have Eloisa walking by herself- good luck tonight Emilie. Bye.
Okay, bye.
I walk. Wait with my guitar in a stillness that I can't break for some reason. Too early for the coffeehouse. Walk back home.
Eloisa texts me a smilie face, I ask what's up.
"Something happen?"
"Yes, quite a lot happened."
"What, exactly?"
"We... kissed xD"
I call her. She explains how it happened.
GoodforyouI'msohappyforyouguysthat'ssocute.
Good for you.
Good for fucking you.
Last week she and him didn't talk to each other. I helped shuffle her towards him, because she needed help starting the conversation.
But once it started... it took off.
So goodforyou.
Just bad for me.
Bad for little unkissed never been looked at doesn't even know who she is... me.
So I'm crying. I'm playing a coffeehouse in 45 minutes, and I'm crying, because good for her good for her good for her.
Her dreams came true. She's connected with this amazing funny goodhearted guy who's going to treat her right and let her know how special she is.
Her dreams came true.
And mine haven't.
Good for her.

The thing that I find funniest, and perhaps the most ironic, out of this entire entry is the single line towards the end, in which Sad Emilie expressed that Blondie would let Eloisa know just how "special she is."

Special my ass.

Not only did she spend her time before this incident whining and moaning about how she wouldn't be happy until she had a boyfriend who must be either Blondie, or Blondie's best friend, as she "liked both equally"...
Not only this, but after this incident, all she did was bitch and shriek about how she wished he were better, she wished she'd gone more for his best friend, she wished she were better.... the shit goes on.

After four months of this- the last three of which I was not present, as I quickly grew sick at the mention of the toxic relationship that wouldn't exist if not for my efforts and now had a hold on my friend Blondie, whom, all the while, a voice in somewhere in my mind pitifully wondered WHY he would go for her, as I'd known him nearly a year longer than she had...
Well, after four months of that, she woke up one morning and PMSed into her cereal bowl, thinking "Should I go jogging today, or break my boyfriend's heart...?"
Whereupon she decided the sky looked a bit too overcast to go jogging.

And THAT wis the short version of a long, arduous, miserable relationship that was all my fault. And the truly saddest part of this whole ordeal is that I refused to even acknowledge the worst part of it- the reason why I couldn't figure out for the life of me why it drove me insane that Blondie would kiss Eloisa...

Because I liked Blondie. It was stupid to not have realized it until just after I'd pushed him out of my own reach- and my thought upon reaching this realization? "I have no right to be upset with anyone- Eloisa deserves him, and they're going to be happy together. Even if I had gone for him, I would have just made everyone unhappy."

This all happened a little less than a year ago. Though upon the breakup, thankfully, Blondie was nowhere near as heartbroken as much as he was... disappointed in the turnout of events, and I was just glad that this whole thing for which I blamed myself, then and still to this day, was over.

And it doesn't stop just yet.

Fortunately, Blondie now has a girlfriend that isn't a bitch like Eloisa. Call her Emilie- Happy, and Finally Glad to be Alive Emilie. I was thinking about this earlier today when I woke up- the thought a flitting one- and I realized just how much I've built myself up since then. No more rage or manic depression or midnight poetry. My name was Tragedy once, but a long time ago, and I've since been redeemed. The sum of the matter certainly has balanced out. I've spent the last 14 years learning how not to live, and I've got the rest of my life to put these skills to good use.
|emmy|